Yeah that's right this is a two in one. I wanted to talk about yakuza girl actually but wanted to close off the Rammy "arc" I guess. Ahem.
WHY IS IT SO HARD TO TALK TO PEOPLE ONLINE???
I know that the most exciting thing I write about on here is me DM'ing someone on discord, but trust me I used to be a lot more ballsy. Like walk up to a borderline stranger classmate (this was Jules btw, if you even remember that) at lunch with NOTE CARDS on conversation topics. Or give a girl a drawing of myself after class. Even talked to some dude about Cyberpunk 2077 randomly, invited myself to his Cyberpunk RED TTRPG session and watched as they played. God I wish I had this website when all that was happening. The reason I don't write about those encounters is because I can't really do anything about them I guess? Like these logs kind of motivate me to put myself out there so I don’t really feel like writing about the past unless I can do something about it now.
Anyway, even though all those moments were embarrassing as hell, I can still smile (and cringe) about them now because at least I ACTED. I get stuck in my own head a lot, so I force myself to act without thinking. Yknow kinda like a happy-go-lucky head strong shonen protagonist (Luffy, Naruto, Ichiban from Yakuza 7). Trust me there are A LOT of times where I still do overthink, so I'm not all the way there yet.
When I'm talking to someone online, though, it feels a lot more cowardly. IDK man. Like it takes a lot less social skill than I feel that I've developed through my tomfoolery, and I don't have all too much in the first place. So I give people the vibe that I'm too anxious to talk to them irl when in reality I just don't have the best opportunity to.
I also HATE everything about texting. I hate typing at the same time. I hate how long conversations go on for because you don't have to dedicate your attention to it. I hate how hard it can be to communicate ideas via text without taking up paragraphs. I hate the anxiety of leaving someone on read even though the whole POINT OF TEXTING IS THAT YOU CAN RESPOND AT YOUR OWN TIME.
With yakuza girl, I just want to ask her to hop on vc and play minecraft or something. But I don't think she uses discord often. Well I know she doesn't she apologized to me awhile back about leaving me on read for a week because she doesn't check discord (once again, never feel bad for leaving someone on read. ok well maybe let them know you're thinking of a response but still whole point of texting).
Yeahhhh she does take her time responding. Probably because of the time zone difference + I don't really give her much TO respond to. We had a pretty nice convo about art and stuff but that's sorta it. I sent her some stupid fanart I was making in an attempt to, well, uh, show her what I'm all about?
I wasn't being performative!! I like to draw! I like yakuza! I'm a big fan of the show Atlanta and wanted to use one of the couch scenes as reference.
I drew myself (because I always do fn) and was wondering what the other two people should be until she replied to one of my messages with her Kiryu pfp and I got an idea. Ichiban Kasuga!! And also yknow maybe I can show it to her yknow be a bit vulnerable with my interests yknow she'll find me cool yknowwwwww.
the drawing :D. Shrubster, Lord Shrub, and either Adachi (not the lame one) or the bald fat rapist who gets his head cut off from yakuza 3 idk yet.
Is that being fake? As much as people love to say "be 100% yourself at all times!!!" I feel like that there's a very very thin façade that even the most bodacious people put on that's basically yourself but x10. Idk if you've ever felt this but there's been a lot of times where I really emphasized some aspect about myself and maayyyyy have acted a bit "unnatural" in order to properly display it. Is that being a fake ass hater who's secretly praying on your downfall? You decide.
Doesn't really matter, though, because the conversation went NOWHERE. Sent her the fanart, she's like "ICHIBANNNN. Awesome!!!111!!" I say "hehe yeah whats up with you shwaty" and then she's like "oh just preparing for the semester!!" and then I'm like "for real. Just got my roommates may be cooked" and then she goes ghost :(
Wahhhhhh wahhhh wahhh WAHHHHHH. yeah yeah I know have some self respect I don't owe her anything and vice versa if she's not interested she's not interested thanks u/PMMEURTITSORURRACIST!!!! r/relationshipadvice redditor ass. But broooooo this feels like throwing away a legendary pull. She was actually on our college's Class of '29 instagram and I saw her art account. My jaw has never been so agape oh my goodness. There's so much I can LEARN from being around a person like this!! I feel like I'll be a lot more motivated knowing that there is someone else who actually enjoys creative work AND is good at it!! And yeah yakuza fan that'll always be the biggest reason.
It's been established that she doesn't use discord, right? Perhaps I can ask for the instagram or something where she's more active on. Is that too forward? God I haven't even introduced myself properly yet. Maybe she's already got a whole group of best friends and I'm just some loser orbiter? But then why would she make the effort to reply after a week? Couldn't she just leave it there with the valid reason "oh I don't check discord"?? Could be the unspoken social rule of being "nice" even if you don't care….wait I have my website linked to my youtube channel that's linked to my discord??? Is she seeing all this???? WAHHHHHH
See above: lame ass overthinking. Time to shut down that part of my brain. I shall ask for the instagram. I'll be clear with my intentions. I'll let her know that I saw her art account and I'm really impressed. If she doesn't mess with that, then that is okay. I can't read her mind; neither her or I are bad people. God damn see how easy that was?