NOTE from the FUTURE: I've actually been logging pretty often, just haven't been posting them for some weird reason. Probably because there's something I want to add but I'm too lazy to add it but I'm stubborn - you'll see what I mean below. The date is when I wrote this, but I posted this on the 13th. This'll be the last time that happens.

AHHHH I CAN'T SLEEP. I feel so creatively bankrupt right now. I've been working on my comeback video, and I really want this to be my best one yet. Mostly because I'm calling out my rival, so I gotta make sure that I can talk the talk and walk the walk. But also because I have this desire to prove myself to my peers? Or have something I can be proud of? I'm not sure.

Now that I'm in fancy pants university, I've been encountering all sorts of people. People who are, eh too be honest around or below my skill level no shade. And they're kinda annoying. Okay wait so maybe this isn't a feeling of inadequacy. Then what am I feeling?

I think it's just a desire to show my work? Yeap, that's definitely it. I just came back from brushing teeth and the thought of posting my "making friends" video to the animation club's discord made me feel a lot better. But I'm TOO DAMN STUBBORN.

The idea of being all bark, no bite pisses me off. If I say I'm going to do something, then I might as well have already done it, if that makes any sense. Especially when it comes to my projects. I only like talking about them when I'm finished. Or else I'm just hyping something up that may or may not come to fruition. It makes me a really boring person to talk to, because I spend most of my days either thinking about a project or working on it, so when all I can say is "oh I'm working on something" anytime someone asks what's up, I bet it gets pretty tiring. But I'd rather have that then hear "hey whatever happened to [blank]?".

Only issue is that my standards for what counts as "finished" seems to grow higher and higher with each project. For a long while my "making friends" video was my magnum opus. THAT would be the video I can show to people when I say "oh yeah I'm an animator try not to start clawing my clothes off in a lust driven frenzy haha". But now that video isn't GOOD enough it isn't an accurate representation of my current creative vision. I need to make something better before I can even think of showing it to someone else willingly. Of course, if they naturally discover it on their own then I guess I wouldn't mind it hehe. But it has to be completely natural! If I even slightly nudge them towards where to find my stuff, then that means I'm an insincere, attention-seeking BUM who thinks his work is soooooo amazing that it deserves an audience. But that's not who I am; I make art for myself, not for anyone else!!!

Wow. That came from some place inside of me that's for sure. Jeez.

I know art is meant to be shared. But it just feels so selfish to ask someone to give me their time and attention to look at something that I only really made for myself. With all the things I like, references only I can understand fully, inside jokes between me, myself, and I. If they don't get it, then that kinda sucks. But if they do, then that must be the greatest feeling on earth holy.

Looking at my track record, though, that's pretty unlikely. Even amongst the "weird" kids, I'm a complete weirdo. Which is fine, I guess. Though it does feel like false advertising. "XDDD We r so WEIRD and RANDOM >:3. wait but not that kind of weird it's more of a mainstream alternative sorry sweaty.". Honestly I think I can only really get along with autistic people I swear. Such a legitimately unconventional quirkiness that you don't see often. Not to romanticize the condition or anything; I can only imagine how difficult it can be at times. bro I'm getting way off base here the hell.

I say this pretty often (to myself, don't think I've ever mentioned this here), but I truly hope that I meet a person who is what they are. Like they don't get too lost in labels or whatever boxes they "should" fit in. They like what they like, they do what they want to do, simple as. Would be pretty refreshing to meet someone who I'm not able to extrapolate their entire personality after learning one of the things they like. Yeah yeah "don't judge a book by its cover" but it's kinda hard not to when it feels like the book is glued shut everytime you, god forbid, try to read it. Whatever.

Where am I even going with this? Life stuff life stuff. There's this one dude I met on the animation club's server. He wanted feedback for his indie pilot which I gladly gave. Stumbled upon his website (also on neocities). Pretty sick stuff. Really sick stuff holy. Also realized that he made a youtube video that was stuck in my algorithm for months. REALLY SICK STUFF. A guy like that is what I'm looking for, I think. If I can impress him, then it woulda all be worth it.