Came back from yet another club meeting. Well, I really came back from wandering around after eating way too many 7/11 taquitos and an overpriced ice cream sandwich. But all of that was spurred by the club meeting so I guess I'll group it in.

The club in question was the Cosplay Club!! Featuring Deltarune and Murder Drones and you can guess the rest.

There was a really well made Commander Rex cosplay from Star Wars though. I wonder what bro was thinking behind that jet black visor.

As for me, I was only really there out of complete coincidence. I was working on the video yesterday and had to check the clubs in my school for a segment. Saw the cosplay club, and conveniently they were having a meeting the next day (so uh today). I've been meaning to get into sewing and custom clothing for awhile now, since I'm a very oddly shaped individual, and I couldn't find a dedicated "sewing club", so the cosplay club was the next best thing. And who knows, maybe THIS time I'll meet some cool people that, wait wait wait, actually want to talk to me.

I pull up, 7 minutes late on the dot for aura purposes. They talk and talk whatever whatever. "guys THRIFTING guys bro THRIFTING go THRIFTING with me!!!!" I will not elaborate on how I feel about thrifting at this moment. Seems that they ended early so now it's time to socialize and mix and network and kiss and bang and yes.

I've actually been a pretty busy bee these past couple of weeks and have been showing up to a couple of events. The day before I was at the animation club's presentation night where I nearly overdosed from critical autism exposure. Lotta sonic, lotta toby fox, lotta hyperfixations. I talked , well, attempted to talk to a guy I've been seeing pretty consistently at these animation club meetings, though I cut the conversation short because I was getting nowhere with this dude. Like HOLY SMOKES man I thought people loved talking about themselves??? Feels like I have to pull out the crowbar - actually I may have barraged him with a bit too many questions and didn't ask enough follow ups. Some of that may be on me… but still cmon man if you WERE to present what would you present on? Like DAMN.

Anyway, I see the same guy at today's cosplay meeting, sitting all alone awwww gee. I was walking over to approach him, then stopped, turned around, and left the meeting. Because man what would be the damn point?

Stay with me now, this surprisingly isn't going to be a "woe is me it's over" doomer post trust.

If I went up to him now, I would hit him with the "hey [bros name] didn't expect to see you here" (I learned in dark psychology 101 that saying a person's name builds rapport huehuehue) he'll be like "Oh yo uhhh is it… Scrubs?" then I'll be like "haha close close it's Shrubs" and he'll be like "damn second time my bad". Blah blah small talk small talk, I'll make some reference to something I like as a mini test, he doesn't get it, I play it off. I'll make some dumb joke that you'll probably see on this website, he hits the mandatory laugh you give when something is supposed to be funny. I'll ask some questions, get some surface level responses, and once the convo dies out I'll hit the "well I'll be seeing ya!" and walk away.

It would be a forced encounter. Sure, the guy seems chill which is why I approached him in the first place. But try as I might to put myself out there and show this dude "HEY I am INTERESTED in GETTING TO KNOW YOU BETTER!!!", it's all up to him to respond. You can lead a horse to water type beat. It takes two to tango type beat. And that's entirely fine.

I'm not mad at this guy. Though after I left the meeting I did loop around and come back because I thought I may have gotten ahead of myself. Then I saw the him chatting it up with the chick who cosplayed as the tv guy from Deltarune (Tenna or whatever) and I will admit I was seething a tiny bit. Man he was in this whole group too like I felt like that one Fallen Angel painting watching this from the background.



But it showed me an important lesson that I have known since the beginning of this damn website but I keep fighting against: you can't FORCE THINGS.

Of course of course I was from the outside looking in so I don’t know everything that was happening. But he did look pretty damn happy talking to those deltarune goobers. In the span of a single meeting he went from some cool badass lone wanderer (like me) to being the life of the party in some hippy dippy rigamarole deltarune orgy. It shouldn't be HARD to talk to people you vibe with (pretty sure he mentioned he liked deltarune so I can't be too surprised).

But vibing goes a lot farther than just sharing similar interests. Maybe if you share such lowkey interests that there's literally no one else to talk to about it. But there are so many preliminary, subconscious "tests" you have to pass. Your APPEARANCE, the way you WALK, the way you TALK, the matter of which you MEET, the last word of this sentence is also CAPITALIZED. This dude passed all of mine (black, nerdy looking, clear spoken, in a club I like) which is why I approached him with open arms. I surely didn't pass his tests, or else it wouldn't have been so hard to talk to him.

In fact, if I was able to pass these tests, then maybe I could've vibed with Rammy, or Yakuza Girl, or Jules (yeah I ain't going to explain the backstory I lied sorry), or the girl I gave the drawing too. You can easily bypass these "tests" through continued exposure. Having a reason to talk to them whether that be class or work or whatever. But if you have none of that, well, you're COOKED.

I know this isn't some mind blowing revelation (also I always talk about this to some extent) but hey you should've never expected anything coming here. This is MY DOMAIN so these are MY COMMON SENSE REVELATIONS. But HOLY I was really pissed off after this.

I thought that these weirdo's were just like me: outcasts, freaks, geeks, even creeps. I felt sympathy for these poor poor socially anxious introverted artists boo hoo. All they need is someone to hold out a hand and show some honest interest in what they like. AKA ME all they need is a 30 ml dose of SHRUBQUIL or whatever idk.

WRONG!!! These guys aren't losers; in fact, they're winning more than YOU!!! They have girlfriends and boyfriends and theyfriends. They post stupid social media posts - that was poorly worded but YOU GET IT. They go to cool events and hang out all the time. Winning awards and getting recognition for their talents. Don't be fooled by the whole "boohoo I was bullied in middle school for liking anime and being weird" act. They fuck and you get fucked by thinking that they don't.

You get lulled in by the hope of acceptance. "If they're so weird and different perhaps they'll have space for lil ol me :D". But NOPE. "Alternative" and "Mainstream" are just two sides of the same coin. It's not enough to just like what they like, you either completely assimilate into chronically online culture or you're out.

No matter how hard you try, no matter how "cool and different" these mfs seem to be, it's all the same. You either vibe, or you don't. And there is NOTHING YOU CAN DO if you don't vibe, unless you want to change who you are or start being creepy and orchestrating "random" encounters.

Tired of being some fence sitting, neutral, "well everyone is special in their own way :)" pushover. These guys ANNOY ME and as much as I recognize that I'm not perfect, these guys sure aren't either. SCREW THE DYED HAIR. SCREW THE PLATFORM CHUCK TAYLORS. SCREW THE EYELINER. SCREW THE THRIFTED CLOTHES. SCREW THE AUTISTIC OBSESSION WITH FAMILY FRIENDLY FRANCHISES. SCREW THE ANNOYINGLY REDDIT VIRTUE SIGNALING LEFTISM. SCREW ALL OF IT!!! No longer shall I be fooled by the fact they like video games and anime and make cool references to the internet just like me woweee.

THIS is the people's war I'm referring to on my status (for future readers, at the time I had "Silverhand was right. This is indeed a people's war" in my thought bubble on the homepage") I wasn't trying to be some dumbass anarcho-communist "ahh down with the system. Wait I thought I was going to be an artist what do you mean I have to mine coal" looking ass. I literally meant that I'm declaring war against these PEOPLE. The people whose websites are probably right next to mine on Neocities. The child neglected by the village will burn it down to feel it's warmth. WHITE POWER!!! WHITE POWER!!! AHHHHH

Ahem. Now that I got that out, let's move on. I'm not giving up, and I'm still not mad at anyone in particular. I'll keep trying to attend some meetings, because who knows. But I have truly adopted the Spike Spiegel mindset. Whatever happens, happens.



I'll still approach people who seem cool and try to let them know what I'm about. If they gatekeep their personality, than whatever man. I'm fine with rocking it solo. I just hated the feeling that I wasn't "trying hard enough" to make friends. But I was trying just fine, more than most people I feel, and it hasn't panned out yet. That's life.

I still got this website, I still got my videos, I still got my skateboard, I still got my TV/video games, I still got my highschool friends. Outside of the usual anxiety for the future, life is going pretty good. I'm content.

And I've been content. I wasn't really desperate for friends, or as desperate as I seem here at least. I just thought that I had to take advantage of the social opportunities of college or else it would be a waste. But I'm chill now, I'm just going to walk my own path and whoever I meet is whoever I meet.

In summary, and to put it into pop culture terms, I'm looking for an Eileen from Regular Show (or Kara Eklund but I didn't say nun). A weird, quirky person who is just being themselves. Who likes what they like and that's what they like. And aren't afraid to TALK about what they like. Avoid the performative, showboating "alternative" people who, in an attempt to go against the grain, end up conforming to another grain. The "Ramona Flowers" of the world.

Wait.

Negative XP was right. I UNDERSTAND THE SONG NOW!!!!