When you reach rock bottom, you can only go up! Well, that is if the rocks beneath you don't suddenly collapse.

I usually don't write twice in a day, but I feel kinda bummed out and I think writing will help me out here

I spent literally all of today inside my dorm. Worked on the video while listening to InfiniteKhaos' stream (god damn he still going. Check bro out he makes baller animations). Got a discord ping; apparently the Chinese Tea Club is having a meeting. Same time as my programming lecture but who cares about all that man. I figured I might as well get some fresh air and be around people. Didn't expect anything at all, went into this only wanting to drink some tea and maybe talk to some randos about random stuff.

I'm the first to show up, and slowly our numbers rise. Drink some tea. Whatever.

I start chatting with the guys to the left of me, and they were the academic types. They were discussing the philosophy of utilitarianism or whatever man I really do despise humanity at times bro I ain't gonna hold you. So obviously an A B conversation how about you C your way out. These guys did nothing wrong per say; I tried to interject by saying "damn I thought you were a physics major" and bro was like "yeah haha" and went back to the other dude to talk about Nietzche. All good I guess

To the left of me were these two girls. One of them was really quiet. Like her friend had to explain to the club prez that quiet girl was tryna make new friends or whatever. Then they just kept to themselves talking about some guy that was texting the quiet one (wow really struggling to make friends here, huh?). I tried to make some jokes about the tea, ask what was going on when the quiet chick just randomly stood up and started shaking (her leg fell asleep and she was trying to wake it back up) but after they responded they just went back to murmuring. I know I could've done more, maybe properly introduce myself or whatever, but then I would interrupt the conversation. There was really no natural way for me to butt in, which would be fine usually but I was not in the mood to "SEIZE THE DAY!!!" and "PUT MYSELF OUT THERE!!!"

Some guy tried to spark a conversation with me about my math major. Cool. We talked for a bit and the conversation died down and I just didn't have the energy to think of ways to continue it. Like man I'm just so tired dude. I know I know personal accountability pull yourself up by the bootstraps whatever but I feel like I've done enough. "The Chinese Tea Club is a place for you to socialize and make friends!!" my ass. It's just a place for pre-existing friends to go to. Then these same friend groups have the audacity to complain about how "awkward" the atmosphere is and how hard it is to talk to people boo hoo boo hoo. Literally the two chicks to the left of me. makes me want to rip my ears out.

The quiet chick just really pissed me off. Again, nothing against her personally. It's just the idea that this person who is probably very introverted and quiet STILL was able to make friends by virtue of… being a woman? Right place right time? Who knows, but point is she definitely didn't "SEIZE THE DAY!!". She got lucky. And now she has the luxury of having someone who's willing to drag her around to events and SPEAK FOR HER. Why even bother man.

That's not even the worst part. I left the meeting early because I was just sitting there after my failed interjections. And guess who I bumped into. ARI!! I got all excited man I was like "Hey what's good man!" and he just hit the silent wave. Had this kinda awkward smile on his face, too. Then we just walked past each other. I know I know I should've stopped and caught up but GOD DAMN MAN. Like I'm not even mad at anyone, because I know they ain't malicious at all. But like, if more people thought like me, then I wouldn't have to CONSTANTLY PUT IN THE WORK ALL THE GOD DAMN TIME JESUS CHRIST. "I have to go to the chinese tea club!" "I have to start conversations!!" "I have to be interesting and fun to talk to!!!" man how about SOMEONE ELSE does that (the dude I talked math with gets a pass that was on me). God I think the quiet girl really ruined my whole mood man crazy how she will never know the effect that she had on me. Pinnacle of just standing around and having stuff happen to you, while guys like me have to fight tooth and nail just to be acknowledged.

Oh, and I thought Ari was just walking back to his apartment because he went past the tea club. But after I got some food and circled back to head home, he was laying down on the grass chilling next to 'em. So if I literally just stayed for 3 more minutes like life ain't fair man.

I'm blowing this way way way out of proportion, It's not that deep. I think this was just a bad day to experience this so I'm a bit more emotionally volatile. Idk man I just feel that I have nothing going for me right now. I'm doing okay in my classes, but I couldn't care less about them and my performance can very quickly change. I have to go back home for the break and basically have to leave my PC behind, which is going to suck. All I do with my high school friends is just play the same old video games, which is honestly fine and the highlight of my week but we can only play on the weekends. We also always end up having to support Red with his issues, which is fine but doesn't really give me a chance to vent. My videos, while fun to make, are probably never gonna actually change my life substantially. I just want to get a job, get an apartment, and be left alone man without having to worry about the "opportunities I'm missing out on!!!!". I need to have a solo night out in downtown, watch some flicks, go for a long night drive while listening to lo-fi man. Tired of being around people I swear.

I also need to start working out again man, but my dorm has hard tile floors so it's kinda gross and uncomfortable to do calisthenics. I should just buy a yoga mat no excuses. That'll probably make me feel better.

Like the future is just bleak. Cost of living going up, feels that no one's hiring, college degrees are worthless because everyone has one now. Competing for actual scraps. Everyone's becoming lonelier. It feels that we're rapidly approaching a singularity point and things are going to look completely different a decade from now. But that's just me.

In times like these we carry on. I'll just try to focus on getting past this week. One step at a time. I wish I just hit the community college and chilled in my home state man. I'm only here because I got a real nice scholarship and my family moved to another state after high school, but idk the juice ain't worth the squeeze at this point. Like I know for a fact that my future job ain't going to have ANYTHING to do with my degree. I'm teaching myself all the material with pointless busywork. Constantly being screeched at "college AIN'T ENOUGH you have to suck the CEO'S BALLS if you even want to work at BURGER KING".

I want to move to Philadelphia because it's on the east coast (honestly once I learned that Class of '09 took place in the DMV area I've just wanted to live in the east coast. It's dumb I know I know) and it's one of the more cheaper/walkable cities. According to MIT's CoL calculator I only need to make like 25 an hour as a single male (because I know for a fact I ain't getting any play) to live comfortably. So I just need to aim for 32 an hour to have a nice buffer. Maybe I'll get into the trades or work in a warehouse or something. Huh, talking about my future plans made me feel a bit better. Here's to hoping the economy doesn't collapse by then.

Ima still try to go to the convention though, even though I'm probably gonna go solo and it's gonna set me back 110 dollars…