Ima be real with you chief, I had no idea it could get this bad. My prediction all the way back then was right, the good times were NOT gonna last. Perhaps I manifested my current situation through my negative thoughts because energy is power or whatever.

Got NO friends. Barely attending lecture. Can't really work on the next video until break starts. Literally invisible everywhere I go I don't even get acknowledged in chat by the streamer I watch brooooooo after all I've given to his youtube channel (0 dollars and 0 cents). I unironically swear to god the government is paying these people to ignore my messages. Or the illuminati, or the freemasons, or the CIA, or the cabal, or the worms idk choose the corrupt secret society of your choice.

There's this one person I haven't talked about at all on this site because I only very recently started to get to know her better. I call her Monster Girl, not because of Invincible though I just realized the connection now, but because at the very beginning of the semester she sat next to me, somehow knew that I was a math major, and also knew that I watched anime since "my voice sounded like I watched anime". She then proceeded to talk about how she doesn't like most animes because the boobs be jiggling and the moans be moaning, but she did like Monster. I uh then realized she knew that I was a math major because I talk a lot in class and said I was a math major but I was FLABBERGASTED; I thought she was a psychic. Anyway I tried to talk to her more but once again for some odd reason the second someone shows interest in me I lose all my social energy and become crazy anxious because I start caring about what they think.

Like OH MY GOD I FELT ANXIETY I'VE NEVER FELT BEFORE BEING IN THAT CLASS. I would be pacing around outside hoping to god that she wouldn't be there. Not because I hated her guts, but because the expectation of having to take advantage of this social opportunity was just too much. Like usually I cope with all my failed attempts at friendship with "oh well they probably didn't really want to be friends with me anyway haha it's all good I did nothing wrong" but if I messed up here, then that means that IT WOULD BE MY FAULT!!!! Of course you realize that every mistake you make is simply a learning opportunity and you shouldn't get too caught up in the result, but the anxiety would NOT go away. Like I would be shaking man straight tremors.

Fortunately (well, unfortunately) she was uh barely in class. This was a freshman seminar class which literally felt like adult daycare so I don't blame her for not showing up. "Okay gang today we are going to touch our head, shoulders knees and toes knees and toes followed by a quick 10 minute nap and finishing off with some coloring sheets!" biggest waste of time of all time. Anytime she did show up, she was usually sitting with someone else and my anxiety debuff made it impossible for me to just sit next to her anyway like I would normally do.

Next thing you know, it's 2 weeks until the end of that class. Haven't talked to her once. I tried a couple of times but I would spend too much time hyping myself up and she'll be gone by the time by balls grew in.

This time was going to be different though (god how many times did I use the word time??)

She showed up to class this time!!! Alright alright alright we're handing in our nametags for attendance (once again, adult daycare). OKAY OKAY even though she handed in hers before mine, she has to pack her stuff, so when I'm done we should be LEAVING AT THE SAME TIME!!! OHMAHAGJADKGDKJ JUST HANDED IT IN, LET'S TALK TO where the fuck did she go.

She vanished again. I am not joking with you, I looked away for a second and she was gone. I searched in the hallways, literally walked around the classroom multiple times. Like I'm not trying to exaggerate for comedic effect or anything. It was unnatural how fast she left.

So I'm going back to my dorm, defeated and coping. Should I go back? Should I just forget about it??? AHHHH DAMN IT I was literally going back and forth irl looking like a tweaker. I decided to head back because once again, she physically couldn't have moved that fast she must've still been in the building at least. And by an absolute miracle I see her walking back. She daps me up (god DAMN she chill like that), asks where I'm going. I start stammering because no way I'm about to hit some "oh… I was actually… looking for you…"



So I deflect and say "where are YOU going??" and offer to walk with her to class. Apparently we have lecture at the exact same time so we just hung around the student union for an hourish. Yeah she's just like me fr. But it was different than the Mystery Gang. The Mystery Gang were just like me fr because we had similar interests, but our personalities differed a tiny bit. Yknow they very clearly chronically online art kids which I didn't mind too much. But Monster Girl was JUST LIKE ME FR PERSONALITY WISE. Well, moreso our personalities complimented each other well. This gonna sound cringe as hell (like everything else here) but we were moving like Jen and Alex from MTV's (Music Television's) 1999 animated sitcom (situational comedy) Downtown, created by Chris (short for Christopher) Prynoski. Similar height difference too, crazy.

We hang out again (though it happened the exact same way as last time; she vanishes, I have to find her, and then we go to class) and man it was great. Not tryna glaze or nothing but all I'm gonna say is that it's uncanny how similar we are in some aspects. But like I said before, we only had 2 classes left and this was our last one… so I wouldn't really have any reason to talk to her after this. So I kinda hit the "oh do you remember if we have class next week" knowing damn well we didn't. and blah blah yada yada she gives me her number. OH BOY!!!! SOMETHING OTHER THAN AN INSTAGRAM!!!!

Alright I set the stage. I text her over break about some BS (the phrase "screw my stupid chud life" was used, and that's all ima say about that). And uh I get left on delivered. All good, it gets busy during Thanksgiving. I hit up Ari from the Mystery Gang about my review of Sinners. He does reply, I try to continue the convo, uh left on delivered again. All good all good.

School starts back up. Hit up Monster Girl if she wants to hang out. She responds INSTANTLY she was sick blah blah all good. Asks me when I'm free, tell her literally all day everyday… and delivered. Damn. That was like 4 days ago.

I actually didn't expect to talk about this, but I guess here we are now. But even though my classes are COOKING me, I got no actual friends, and I'm more lost than I've ever been, I don't feel all too bad about it. Like I'm not really angry at the world or depressed or anything like that. I'm definitely in a bad spot, a low point, and I'm willing to acknowledge that things kinda suck right now. But there's this - god I don't really know how to explain it.

I think this goes back to my motivation thought log. I'm not trying to hit the toxic positivity "omg it's going to get better! You may feel bad but eventually you'll feel good!!!". I really hate that man. The insistence that you should only live for the "good moments" and you're not allowed to feel bad without someone trying to "fix" that. It's just, the idea that things just happen for no reason and it's up to you to interpret what they mean has resulted in this sorta "disconnectedness". Like I'm more than the events I experience because there are always going to be things in my life that I can directly control. Mostly through art and my videos and this website.

My happiness is definitely influenced by the people around me and my current situation of course, but it's not dependent on them? Especially since I can't control the people around me and can barely control my current situation. Not to go all antinatalism but you gotta recognize how GOOFY life is. You literally are dragged into this world without any consent, are subjected to circumstances outside of your control, and judged by others that barely know anything about you (think of gossip, drama. Hell is truly other people). At least you got your basic survival instincts carrying you through, the desire to NOT DIE. But once you get pass that, you're forced to stare into the abyss of total meaninglessness. The cards are stacked against you, and frankly, I can't really blame others for wanting to fold and leave the game.

So the fact that all of us are willing to still wake up the next day and try our best to keep on living, even if life feels absolutely miserable with no guarantee that it's going to "get better", then that is enough to justify anything that allows you to do so. Like the act of existence is all you need to be worthy of existence. Which is a comforting notion, especially in this world where it feels like you have to "prove" to others that you, in fact, deserve to exist. People love to say "Life doesn't owe you anything!!" but never consider what do WE owe to life?

Jeez getting way to philosophical in this life log. The point I'm trying to make here is that life kinda sucks, and that's okay. If me whining on this website keeps me going, then that's valid. If making stupid animated videos keeps me going, then that's valid. Just trying my best to get through the day is enough. And having those constants in my life alongside the absurdity of life itself makes me kinda sorta content. The goal isn't to be happy all the time and feel good constantly (cause that'll make drugs the meaning of life), but rather find something that keeps you going through the good and the bad. The inherently meaningless, irrational thing that for some damn reason makes it worth it. Could be the act of living in and of itself. That's contentment, or something idk I'm just some rando who talks to himself.