been a hot minute. I've been LIFEMAXXING recently. Yknow going outside, talking to people, trying new things. I feel like I need just one more hit of inspiration to truly evolve my video style, and have been trying my damn hardest to find it through my life. Because I truly do believe that what makes and artist an artist is the ability to observe their surroundings.

but to be honest, lifemaxxing kinda SUCKS. Like god I have a couple of stories to tell here to showcase how much a foolish loser I seem to be at times.

For one, that chem lab girl I talked about last entry is straight MIA. I'm used to it by now, sadly, so time to move on. I do see her in my actual chem lecture, but she sits on the complete other side of class with all her friends so it's DOA at this point. I'm not gonna do allat just to stutter about some "you got some cool shoes" hell nah.

Though on the topic of chem labs, my next story happened as I was coming back from my chem lab. I randomly bumped into ED and he invited me to tag along to this esports event that he was commentating for. I ofc say yes because what the hell else am I going to do, man. We pull up, I shake some hands, butter some balls, and it seems kinda chill. There was this dude dressed up as Joker from Persona 5, an actual unironic goth girl, and this other chick who had this pastel gothic lolita-ish dress on... I think. I'm not too familiar with my Pinterest aesthetics ima be real. Looking straight out of a children's fairy tale, cottage-core type beat.

I was quite literally existing in the moment (I tried to find a fancy sounding 5 syllable word to use here but I'm linguistically challenged... wait there it is!!!). I was reading the manga Real on my phone and just watching these guys commentate the Overwatch game. I guess I looked bored because the goth chick asked if I was trying to join in. I respectfully decline, since what the HELL do I know about Overwatch. Like WHAT WAS THIS DEVILISH HARLOT ON ABOUT??? LIKE HUHHH?????

as I'm processing my complete bewilderment, I notice something. Pastel Lolita girl has this bag. And inside this bag there's a plush doll.

A plush doll

of KIRYU KAZUMA.

THIS WAS YAKUZA GIRL??? SHE HAD TO BE RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW, RIGHT NEXT TO ME??? My stomach actually dropped oh my lord.

for those uninitiated. before the school year started I was lurking on my college's discord server and saw someone with a Kiryu pfp. Yakuza is the closest thing we have to God's grace on earth (or it WAS, before kiwami 3...) so I messaged her. we talk for like 3 days, I decide to "formally introduce myself" with the cringiest, soul-killing, testicle retracting message known to man. then proceed to send a photo of my face.

yeah. this is the protagonist of this story. mhm.

I also sent her some of my art. which was so laughably bad compared to hers it's not even funny. That's the part that destroys me the most; I can look past the stupid introduction. But the fact that I actually thought my casual ass, "yeah I do it for a hobby"-ass drawings could even be in the same ROOM as her stuff is okay I'm overselling it wth am I on about. She's great at drawing but I shouldn't feel embarrassed at showing her dumb fanart the hell.

so yeah after that I decided to never show my face around her again. But she kept showing up to all the places I was at, which was just great. I've never been THIS close to her before though. Did she recognize me? She was awfully silent when everyone else was telling me to commentate, but she hasn't really talked all too much in general, so maybe she's just shy? Should I stay, or should I go? AHHHHH GOD DAMN ITTTTT

It was weird, because I kept shifting between "who tf cares. this embarrassment and cringe is all in my mind" and "AHHH SHE'S RIGHT HEREEEEE I'M GOING TO BLOW MY FREAKING BRAINS OUT IN FRONT OF EVERYONNEEEEE". The former is a much more productive way of thinking but the latter creates conflict which makes things interesting...

anyway nothing really happened. she ended up leaving later which was both a relief and sorta a disappointment. I wanted to ask her if she recognized me so I could just rip that band-aid right off and stop thinking about it, but I never got the opportunity. So that's that I guess.

oh wait. I was trying to make small talk with who I believe to be the president of the esports club. I said something obvious like "oh is it lunch time right now? Sorry I'm an outsider looking in I don't know much" and then he hit me with this absolute cannon ball: "yeah that's why this is a CLOSED event". I didn't think too much of it because he didn't tell me to leave or anything. but then later on some girl said to the pres that she didn't recognize him at first. and then he hits another absolute home run of a statement "oh haha yeah it's me!! It's not as if I'm some RANDOM STRANGER sitting here haha". So I take the hint and leave T~T.

Onto other news. I got invited to this skateboarding group chat thing, which was pretty cool. I saw this guy practicing tricks in front of our Sciences building. Initially I thought he was trying to impress a group of girls that were also there, so it was pretty funny when he bailed ima be real. Then he complimented my board when I walked by so I figured I should seize the day and talk to him. And yeah, it was nice. he had shark wheels which I actually have never seen in person before.

I will say that literally EVERYBODY that I've met thus far simultaneously showed up at this specific moment. This one dude who I talked politics with like 2 weeks ago decided to talk about EVEN MORE POLITICS when he saw me. So I had to nod along as he was telling me how AI is supported by Americanized communists. that was nice.

The skateboard dude left while I was talking to this guy, so I had to chase him down afterwards to ask for his instagram. And boom, that's how I got added to this skateboarding gc. It was reallll awkward, because like I said I straight CHASED him down and when I finally caught up to him, I panted "HEY dude! You seem pretty chill! You have an insta or something?". Here's yet another lesson from your old pal shrubs; no matter how embarrassing it feels in the moment, letting people know you are interested in talking to them is always the move.

It's kindaaa dead atm. There's like 100 people in it but the same 4 guys are usually talking. He mentioned that they're going on some UNDERGROUND excursion. Like literally skating underground. So I NEED to pull up and take aesthetic photos with flash on and my face pointing away from the camera. Don't forget the Osamason playing in the background and the esoteric ass caption!! "got my pants on backwards" or some bs like that. That'll be SO FREKAING TOUGH BOIII

Last thing I have to say is actually about Monster Girl. I know I know I know I KNOW GOD DAMN IT I KNOW WHAT I SAID. Ok I was trying to find this park that I saw on some reddit thread so I could chill in nature and play on my 3DS. I couldn't find the stupid park, so I was walking back and realized that maybe I got a bit too ahead of myself and decided to call her one more time.

I actually saw her twice since I last wrote. Once today, where I stared at her for WAY TOO LONG trying to figure out if it was actually her and then awkwardly waved, and a week ago while I was walking to the dining hall. I didn't even notice her at first since I'm always hunched over looking at the ground. She was like "what's up!" and I was like "what's good!" and then before she could respond I just said "what's up!". Then I said "what's good!" again. one more "what's up!!". Then I topped it off with "I'll be seeing you!!!" and walked away.

yeah. this is the protagonist of this story. mhm.

The fact she actually said hi to me first when I wasn't paying attention made me feel kinda bad. So I called her today and she actually picked up. She was busy but she said something that explained a WHOLE LOT HOLLLYYY. One, she wanted to apologize for acting weird when I saw her a week ago. She got broken up with like right before so that's why she couldn't think of anything to say. I didn't even notice because I was acting so completely normal and well adjusted during that encounter.

Two, she had to delete my contact of my phone because her parents like snooping around. Now I KNOW HOW THIS SOUNDS TRUST ME. but I actually thought of that when she initially "ghosted" (I don't like that word... makes it sound like she owes me something...) me based on the vibes I picked up when we talked about our families. So I'm inclined to believe her, even if that's complete copium. guess I'm just a hopecel bloomer at the end of the day.



So yeah, hopefully we get to hang out soon. It was crazy how natural it felt talking to her. Like I definitely "code-switch" a tinnnyyyy bit depending on who I'm talking to, which I don't think is the worst thing ever. And I did code switch a tiny bit here, no doubt, but I was talking like I would if it were a dude I was chill with. Not how I usually talk with girls (which can be best described as intentionally-corny-but-kinda-suave. honestly the fact I unironically described this way tells you all you need to know about how I talk to girls T~T).

and that's that. yet another log completed. hohoho.