I think I've gotten too comfortable.

The people I talk too aren't really pushing me in any sort of way. I spend too much time cooped inside on my computer. There's opportunities that I'm missing out on because I feel like I'm not "settled" yet. But really, this is the best it's going to get

It's crazy because I don't feel comfortable. Like not at all. I'm completely solo in a new state. My housing is temporary and I'm about to actually move into an apartment. My family is in California while all my high school friends are in Arizona, so I'm always thinking about how I'm going to juggle between both locations when I have to go home for the summer. Creatively, I'm RIGHT at the precipice of what I'm trying to do. I say this all the time but I truly do believe that my next video will put me into a new era. Like it's not an experiment, not just something I'm making to get my thoughts out there, not a stupid skit. It's a combination of EVERYTHING that I've been trying to do. well, then I have to make the next video after this one to cement my new direction but I'm telling you the vision has never been more clear. But I'm not finished with the video, and frankly I have no idea if I can even get it done, so once again it's a source of discomfort.

Socially, I'm in a weird place. My one actual friend I've made in college, ED, is all I really got. And it's great, he's a dude I can actually call a FRIEND. Like I genuinely enjoy his company and want to invite him out to my random side excursions. But it still feels a tinnnnyyyy bit uncomfortable because it's just the two of us. It puts a little bit of pressure to continue the conversation and plan things and make sure he's not just a semester friend that I'll never talk to again after class ends. I feel having a third person would be peak; it off loads some of the pressure of conversation since I, surprisingly, don't have much going on. Yet another point of discomfort.

But I think all that is GOOD discomfort, as much as it kinda feels sucky in the moment. Like I'm going to have to grow and change and adapt to these new "stimuli" and in the process, learn more about what I'm trying to do. Now it's just a question of how much more I have to push the boundaries and how much I'm willing to throw away to do so.

Like despite all of the stuff I've "achieved", the effort I gave to "put myself out there!!!" and "seize the day!!!", I still think that I didn't do enough. Because at the end of the day I still have something to fall back on. I'm still in my room, on discord, playing the same ol games, talking about the same ol stuff with my high school friends. It's like we're in freaking stasis man. "Remember that one chick from high school?" "Remember that one time..." "Remember when we remembered our remembering?". Tony Soprano was right holy crap. "Remember when" really is the lowest form of conversation. It makes sense, since I'm no longer there. We can't hang out and make new memories, which is unfortunate. And I feel like an ass for complaining when I really do like talking to them and sorta caused this by going out of state for college. But mannnnn I don't know dude. I was watching this video and this line hit me especially hard dude. I also saw a comment underneath a Sam Hyde (can't believe he's free, walking amongst us...) video talking about how my generation's golden days are going to be playing video games in discord VC's and that also hurt. hurt me real bad.

When it's not just nostalgia, then it's stupid girl stuff and looksmaxxing. Especially after these two dudes joined the discord server. Like holy these guys don't do ANYTHING. One just gets berated in random discord VCs because there's a slim chance he can talk to girls. When he's not doing that, he goes to the gym and mogs the camera. The other just does every drug under the sun and cracks women. "bro mink, mink bro water fasting bro smoking burns calories bro she's chopped bro SMV bro ANAVAR bro I'm so sad these girls are all hypergamous foids broooo mink I'm going to rape you". They're chill guys, which is why it's actually hard to leave the call when they join. It was mildly entertaining at first then a single day passed and I'm already sick of it. There has to be more to life than THAT man.

Then I talk to Lulz as a sorta "escape" from the monotony, but I'm starting to realize that it's all the same over there, too. I coped by telling myself that she was good at drawing and I need to make as many artist friends as I can... but man we rarely talk about media or art or anything. Usually the topic of conversation is whatever debauchery she was up to or me flapping my lips about the recent meaningless "drama" that goes on with my other friends. I'm going to be 1000% honest here and it's gonna sound really bad; I think a big part of why I keep talking to her is to "prove" that I'm one of the good ones. and because she always calls me first but that's secondary. Like I can't think of a single conversation we've had where SEX PUSSY DICK has not come up. And as much as I hate it, I do get flustered and a bit uh H&B anytime it happens, if you catch my drift. But rather than act on those feelings, I try (and I really have to try) to push the conversation away from it or laugh it off. Idk man I don't want to be some horndog. Though if I didn't have that desire to prove myself as a nice guy (eugh) then I can't definitively say I would still talk to her...

The skateboarding GC always has at least one dude asking to skate, but I blow it off to continue playing the same ol games. I finally got into contact with FINKTHING. The dude who is my direct inspiration for making more videos and is LITERALLY ME FR, yet I'm too anxious to actually talk to him. My white brother from another mother, markpdyson (W mans) is also a creative dude I need to talk to more, but once again I get too freaking self conscious about how boring I am in one-on-one conversations. Can I just get adopted by a friend group? That all plays video games or participate in some sort of mutual activity?? Is that so much to ask??? Or, better yet, meet someone who's willing to do absolutely nothing with me so I can just enjoy the silence? I think that's why I cling on to my high school friends so much; there's no expectations... which is exactly the issue, huh.

A little side tangent. I've been trying to see how other people talk to their close friends so I can learn what to actually say, but dude there's literally nothing there. This may be some quantum phenomena where observation leads to changes in the experiment, but it honest to god feels like no one actually talks about anything of interest. I know I know it's so stereotypical "ah everyone else are stupid NPCs except for me" but the difference is that I actually WANT to get closer to these "stupid NPCs". But all they talk about is SCHOOL and CLASSES and EXAMS or just spam the same inside joke like cmon mannnn aren't you guys supposed to be best friends? I KNOW THERE'S MORE BENEATH THE SURFACE!!!! SHOW IT TO ME!!!!!

Anyway, back to the question on how much I need to push and how much I need to sacrifice. I don't want to get too ahead of myself and just cut everyone off because that's foolish. But I may let these guys know what I'm thinking and get off discord and instagram for a bit. Really force myself out there. Only when you've lost everything you're free to do anything type beat. It's just annoying though. Like it really feels like I'm the only guy that has to completely tear down everything I am in order to move forward. Everyone else has the luxury of other people pushing them outside of the box, even the weirdo alt types. It would be real nice to meet someone who also had to rock it solo but is trying their damn best.

I'm going to buy a bass guitar tomorrow. Scott Pilgrim finally got to me. and I've been reading Shiori Experience. it actually lit a flame inside like seriously. and I guess FLCL. I know the latter two are about guitars but eh same difference. That'll be the mark of change. The physical manifestation of the phrase "today is the first day of the rest of your life". Learning the bass, skateboarding, animating, whining to the digital abyss, reading manga, walking aimlessly. maybe that's all a man needs for a happy life.