Initially I had two entries planned for the "finale" of this website, but I never posted them because I felt that I have completed my character arc. That I no longer had to justify my actions to an imaginary audience. That I said everything that I had to say and anything more would just be a repeat of what's been said before. But now, as I lay on the floor of my empty apartment perpetually replaying every single event I've experienced throughout these past 5 years, hell even my whole life, I realize that those two final entries were way too unrealistic. I was still pretending that I was a source of "pragmatic optimism" and thus suppressed my true feelings in order to give you a feel-good message about "never giving up!!". Sure, I alluded to my purgatory and really emphasized how much things can suck before they get better, but still. I may post the two entries, maybe. Perhaps it can be a more level-headed and reasonable take of what I'm about to say here. But I want this entry to be the one place where I can be completely honest with how much things really do suck without any concerns that I'm being "too negative"

To start off, I have nothing going for me. I literally can't imagine a future where I get to have the complete human experience. Can't see myself falling in love, can't really see myself having any type of relationship at all. Can't see myself working a particularly fulfilling job. Hell, I can't even see myself as some avant garde artist whose work will define a generation. The only somewhat hopeful future I can forsee is me chilling in some mobile home next to the woods some place in the east coast. Getting by with the bare minumum. That's it

And it may sound depressing to you for me to say that, but it's the exact opposite for me. In fact, that's the only thing I think will bring me any true happiness or contentment. Relationships, life purpose, all the other junk is entirely unappealing to me. Sounds like cope, maybe it is cope. Maybe you'll catch me barking for some goth girl the second she shows me an iota of attention, or working myself to the bone so I can increase my company's earnings by 1%. I don't know, but I say all of that just to be self aware. In my current state, I want nothing more than to be left alone in a luscious green field for the rest of my life. I could be the fabled hermit that the small town youngins talk about whose more myth than man. That would be nice.

It's just, I've gone so long without anything substantial in my life that I can't expect anything more than the bare minimum. I recently learned this summer that my family doesn't respect me nor like me very much, except for my mom... who also recognizes that my family doesn't like me but can't do anything about it. All she does is allude to my hollowness by saying stuff like "you were a lot happier back in middle school". And she occasionally calls me for a "check up", an experience that goes something like this

"How's the weather?"

"Good"

"Are you drinking water?"

"Yeah"

"Okay, just wanted to remind you that I'm here. Have a nice day"

"Yeah be seeing you"

Through text it sounds very impersonal but it she does genuinely care. There's just nothing she can do. I can complain about my problems, sure, but the paranoid facebook mom will kick in and she'll probably just call me even more to make sure I haven't exited the game. Like she would be unable to comprehend how I can feel this way but also accept these feelings and recognize they will pass. She'll also send even more AI generated motivational pictures and I really don't want to see that, man.

I was never close with my family anyway, but I still felt comfortable around them. Sure, all we would talk about is small stuff like the weather or the news but it was nice. Then some stuff happened this summer and I lost even that. What more can you do I guess.

I only have two actual friends. And I can say that with full confidence now without feeling bad or ungrateful. I have more people that I can "talk" to about anime and video games and general BS. But these two dudes are the only guys who I can actually call friends at this point. And trust me I would be happier than a god damned clam (idk man) with these two friends. I wouldn't even be writing this. I'm incredibly lucky to have them. Just one small teeny issue, we live in completely different states. And while the late night discord calls are fun, I eventually have to log off and once again face the emptiness. Never leave your friends man. I had no choice, well I think I had no choice, maybe I did. Worst feeling on earth, knowing that there is some personal accountability for how things turned out. Seriously, friends are all you have in this life do ANYTHING YOU CAN to be near your friends.

My attempts to make friends, god I don't even want to say. Just read this whole website. What I've learned is that I'm simply a loser. Not in a self-pity type way, believe it or not I actually do like who I am as a person. Purely through the lens of the social totem pole. I'm simply weird. Not in a quirky way or alternative way, more in a "I don't exist" way. Before I just kept to myself and thought that was the reason I couldn't connect with people. So I tried, I really really tried to reach out and open up. Danced like a god damned fool in order to shout to the world that I DO exist. Then the flood of "seen"-s and "oh sorry"-s and awkward silences completely submersed me. And in that limbo I realized that these people just don't like me. Not even that, because "like" assumes some sort of acknowledgement. I will forever be on the fringes of these social groups, always the "guest star" who only shows up in a single episode. Definitely a fan favorite amongst the audience, but never remembered by any of the cast. The one person who I did genuinely bond with went complete MIA. I'm cursed

Like it's intrinsic to my being. I'm an awkwardly tall black dude that "talks white". I'm ethnically nigerian but nationally american, but have no ties to either culture. I consume all sorts of media but never the "right" ones I can actually talk about. And I create stuff that I'm seemingly the only audience for. No y2k low poly art style here sorry man. I don't really use social media, except for god damned 4chan and reddit, but even then I'm not actually a channer or redditor; I just lurk. Which would be completely fine, I should just try to engage with other people instead of expecting them to engage with me. Which I do, and I learn that people DO want to be engaged with... just not from me. I hate how doompilled and edgy that sounds but that's been the story of my life man. And I'm never going to change myself to fit the image of what I should be because like I said before, I'm one of the few internet dwellers who actually likes themselves. So that's that I guess.

It's insane. I've had to reach out to initiate every single social experience I've had. I remember when I showed Rammy this website they said "Wow, I didn't realize how badly you wanted to be friends". Are some people so socially privileged that they can see a guy make an active effort to reach out, engage with their interests, and straight up talk about their difficulty socializing and think to themselves "yeah this dude is just talking to talk LMAO"? Couldn't be me.

Then I'm surrounded by people who just breathe and have people begging at their feet. I thought I could get over it but no, I can't. Scott bro, it really pisses me off how badly you fumbled everything. Cheated on Rammy and still somehow stayed on friendly terms, then tried to CHEAT AGAIN on your new GF by playing PORN GAMES with Rammy. Then blocking Rammy. You're a good dude, you did nothing wrong to me and have been a G. But that makes it even worse man. Why are the socially gifted so POLARIZING??? Am I any worse or any better than you? Just had to get that off my chest.

Even with my online creative peers. They would've NEVER reached out to me if they've stumbled upon my videos. I'm just riding on their coat tails thinking that I'm part of the gang. But I'm not. That's just the way it is. They're gonna thrive while I'll just be here doing my own thing like I've always done.

But you know what the worst thing is? Even if I DID succeed socially, if everyone was clamoring to be my number two, I'll still end up in the exact same spot I am now. I know this because I technically did succeed. One of my old middle school pals hit me up out of the blue to play Minecraft with him and another buddy. My one college friend, ED, hit me up this summer to play deadlock with him, and before that he even told me "Yeah, I try to invite you out to things because it doesn't seem that you have much going on". Which may sound rude to some but that level of recognition was so refreshing to me and proved that ED is indeed one of the real ones. My white brother from another mother, markpdyson (W mans), is always down to call and hits me up to show me progress on his videos and just to see what's happening. But I don't really feel anything, man. Like I'm supposed to feel happy, and I mistake that supposed happiness for actual happiness.

I think that's a common mixup I have. With most every single person I've talked about on this website. I think the "challenge" of connecting with someone is much more appealing than the actual connection. And at the back of the mind I know that most people I've tried to interact with weren't really my people at all. So even though I grumble and whine about how no one cares and all that hogwash, I know for a fact I wouldn't feel all that better if they DID care. There's only a single person I've met who I genuinely did click with, outside of ED, but she went complete MIA. And that's the only person I consistently think about "what could've been?". With everyone else I only feel the wasted effort rather than the potential possibilities.

Though maybe this seeming apathy is a result of knowing that I'm never going to be a "main friend". Like we'll hang out one on one but they'll still have their main friend group that I'll never be apart of. I guess I'm the same way, with the two friends I talked about before.

Am I like this because that's just who I am, or as a result of the failed attempts? I lean towards the former. My criteria for a friend is just a person I can do nothing with and still feel comfortable around. Who recognizes the absurdity of the world and just does their own thing in spite of it. "A friend to kill time is a friend sublime" type beat. Sounds simple but most of the people I pursued didn't seem to have that capability. I either can't enjoy the silence with them, or they're still "involved" in the world. So even if my phone was constantly blowing up with notifications from all my failed friendships, I think I'd feel more annoyed than anything else with how I'm still unable to actually connect with these guys. Obligatory "maybe that's cope". I still appreciate ED and markpdyson though. It would be cool if we could hang out more IRL.

Zooming out of my personal life, the world is just bleak man. I know I know every human in the history of history have believed that it's over and that it's all going to end in a couple decades. But that's not even my issue; I know society isn't going to end anytime soon. There's not going to be a major apocalypse or revolution or none of that, just an slowly inching decline that we won't even notice until we look back on how things used to be. I'm probably never going to afford a house or a family. Will work some redundant job that only exists to flow money through the economy. Have access to the pinnacle of technology with all the hedonistic distractions I could dream of yet lack any semblance of community or an actual "home". At least I have doordash and advertisements on my fridge I guess.

I've been reading a lot of Haruki Murakami books. Mostly because nothing else is entertaining anymore but also because of how ideal the life he portrays in these books is. And trust me, it's not some awesome cool amazing fantasy adventure where the MC is perfect and awesome and everyone loves him. Quite the opposite, actually. It's mundane. So mundane. There's definitely a lot of absurdity. The first book I read was "A Wild Sheep Chase" which is about a dude trying to find a magical sheep that inhabits peoples minds and makes them do great things. But the books never focus on that man. They focus on this stoic protagonist and his observations about his life and his environment. It's just so calming, this acceptance of the world around him. The willingness to just chill and live his day to day life even when he gets the cliche "call to adventure" to change it. I'm always on the verge of tears when the view of the ocean is described or a late night movie theater or a old record playing in the background. man look away some real thug tears are coming out just writing this down...

The weirdest thing about all of this is that I don't feel depressed. Or at least I don't think that I feel depressed. Once again this image of living in some small, wooded, fading memory of a town sparks genuine joy in my soul. I don't really feel like I'm missing out anymore. I've done all I can, all I have to do is just wait. Maybe I'll meet that ideal friend, maybe I'll experience some "call to adventure" and finally change things. But I don't count on that. The only thing I can do is find this place that exists in my mind. Make some goofy animations. Play the bass. Read some books. That's all I want man. I hope I can at least get that. Until then, I'll just try to exist. And occasionally complain to myself at night while I'm unable to sleep.

I'll finish up this video, then I don't know. I have so much more planned but there's so much inertia when I'm working on these animations. I thought that all this free time will supercharge my output but ironically the emptiness of life is blocking any progress. I spend 3 hours working on the video, feel pretty good, take a break, then realize I got nothing else to do. I did recently apply for a job and school is starting up again. I hope those provide just enough "busy-ness" that I value my free time a lot more. Even then, I don't think these videos are going to change my life in any substantial way. I've already connected with all the creative people I wanted to meet, and as I said above, I'm just riding on their coat tails. So all I got now is the love of the game, and the love of the game can be realllllyyy slow. I want to go back to when I had no expectations. May have to go MIA from the internet.

I don't know if I'll post the other two final entries. I don't know if this is the final entry. I hope I can come back and say it did get better. I'll be seeing you.