Oof, it's been a hot minute. My primary motivation for writing these logs and, honestly, maintaining this website is to get all of this stuff out of my head. And once I finished writing the "Rammy Saga", I felt prettty relieved since I had that brewing for months. I need PAIN and SUFFERING to drive me. No worries, though, I have enough mild inconveniences and overthinking to last a lifetime.

Before I get to those stories though (in a later "my life" entry sit your ass down), I just wanted to jot down my current predicament. I mentioned earlier that I moved to some bum ass state. Completely new environment with not a single friend. Now I know you hear this all the time "wahhhh it's so hard to make friends as an adult wahhhh the closest I had to a friend was the homeless tweaker who stared at me at the bus boohoo boo hoo hoo". I always sneered at such comments; that would never happen to me. I'll make sure of it.

It happened to me.

It seems that the transition from passive socialization to active socialization is really jarring for most people. For all of your childhood, you're cooped up in a room with people your same age. Forced to cooperate in crazy death games like doing the odd numbered problems in the textbook and making slideshow presentations. Like it or not, you are going to make SOME sort of connection with the people you see every single day. Just choose the ones you have the most in common with and there you go, best friends for life.

After school ends though, it's not that easy for some people. People have lives or something idk. Just standing around isn't going to be enough. You gotta swing that bat, to put in in FLCL terms. Of course, you start to wonder why it seems that YOU always have to put in the effort while the people receiving that effort can honestly just stand around, but I digress. Actually no, I DON'T DIGRESS.

I would love to make this an inspirational "you're in charge of your own destiny!" type log. I really would. But it seems that honestly, making actual friends that share your interests is up to chance. And this is coming from a person who took all the Reddit Advice™. "Join groups related to your hobbies!", "Don't be afraid to strike up conversation!", blah blah blah. It's good advice don't get me wrong; I don't want to make this log all gloomy doomy. I'll be damned if I give up before I even tried, which is why I do try and will continue to try. The west hasn't fallen, it's not over, I'm a hopecel.

But ultimately, like with all things in life, you're spinning the wheel. And sometimes you can bet on red in a ruby casino and still end up getting black (how else are they gonna make their money idiot gambler stupid gambling addicted idiot). Maybe that hobby group doesn't have people you really mesh with all that well outside of your mutual hobby. Maybe that dude you tried talking to isn't having the best day and just wants to be left alone. ALL OF THAT IS OKAY! IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT!

I'm definitely saying all this more to myself than to any potential reader out there. I see you, though. I see you. I just hate this narrative that if you struggle socially yet accept yourself for who you are, there is something ontologically WRONG with you that needs fixing. Join more clubs! Do this! Maxx that! But if you disagree with this notion, the only people you have by your side are complete doomers who tried nothing and are all out of ideas. Something something healthy in between something it's not black and white something something.

Loneliness sucks, man. And it's pay-to-beat-up-a-homeless-man levels of infuriating when it feels like you have to go to much farther lengths to barely achieve things that people don't even think about. But I guess that's life. Coming to terms with the fact that we are all slaves to fate and circumstance, and living our best lives anyway. Sure, I may want to rip off my testicles and slam them on the ground like pop-its when I see normal ass conventionally attractive people start complaining that they actually have to put in effort to create relationships rather than just stand around. But. I don't know where I was going with that. I really hate videos of normal ass conventionally attractive people complaining about loneliness that have like 100k views while truecels who do the same thing get a "fake and gay. kys f*ggot"

I just wanted to put this out there before I start seething like crazy in some of my life logs. Because even though I recognize all this, it still PISSES ME THE HELL OFF.