I'm a loser. In the purest definition of the word: "a person who loses often". In fact I described myself as a "down-on-his-luck loser" in the introduction before I eventually changed it to young geezer. "Loser" just has a very negative connotation, understandably so, but I meant it more light hearted, hopeful way. Like even though I get knocked down time and time again, I get back up. Sure, I really take my time and act all pissy about it, but at the very least you'll find me standing.

It's kinda come to the point where I expect failure, though. Actually before I get to that let me define what "failing" and "winning" is in my mind at the moment. Honestly, right now a win would be me putting effort into something and getting ANYTHING back. Whether that be a random comment on a video or making a friend through my social efforts. And failing is when I try and really get nothing from it.

Yeah yeah I watched a 5 minute summary of The Myth of Sisyphus "blah blah touching balls should be enough to fill a man's heart" or whatever. I don't want to disregard the personal development I've had from expressing myself creatively and trying to be more open. I guess I haven't faced true "failure" per my definition because I always get SOMETHING from what I do internally. But jeez man, as much as I strive for contentment and being happy with what you got, I feel like accepting your situation comes with acknowledging the bad AND the good. For me, it seems that "the good" is just having a day when "the bad" doesn't happen. Lemme illustrate this via a graph we getting scientific in here.



god damn can I make a good graph, Khan Academy where you at? And I want to preface my explanation by saying "good" and "bad" is all relative to how you PERSONALLY feel about things, obv. Y = 0 is the "line of contentment", or neutrality. Things could be better, things could be worse, but it's bearable. I like to believe most people aren't experiencing depraved suffering or true bliss 24/7, but rather just going through their comfortable routine. As I've become older, I've tried to really lower my expectations to the point where my line of contentment is slightly above where it should be. I understand I got it better than some, I try to appreciate the little things, it's like Perfect Days up in here (I wish…). Like, knowing that I got a nice mattress, or eating some good food, makes that day slightly "good" for me as corny as it sounds. But I feel like I rarely experience any actual good, y'know? Only really actual bad. Compared to some of my friends at least. I will be the FIRST to admit that they go through it at times and it's definitely not as if I want to "swap lives" with them or anything. But even though they experience lower lows, it feels like they also experience higher highs. Which would you rather have: a life of constant or a life of variable? One is comfortable, but the other has the potential to be really great or really crappy.

It doesn't matter what the answer to that is though, since for me I have no choice in the matter. I've been kinda forced to say "it is what it is" because that's all I got. I can keep "grinding": "Make more videos! Continue building my website! Share what I create with people around me!". But then I look around and see people who just get opportunities HANDED to them, and it's like "damn" man. Heck, sometimes I'M the one handing out the opportunities and I feel like they're wasted. I said this in my first thought log but it really feels that some people can just stand around and stuff just HAPPENS to 'em. All my friend Scott had to do was be mildly interesting and he had me fighting like hell to talk to him. Same with Rammy. Even that Yakuza girl I met like a week ago only needed to say "Hello" and have a Yakuza pfp for me to interact with them.

This is not to say that I'm so DESPERATE for someone, ANYONE to give lil old me a chance >~<. Nor am I saying that I'm such an amazing beast of a man that people should be thankful if I waste my precious time on them. I completely accept that no one owes me anything just because I find them "cool". But man, can something happen to me for once? Can someone find what I do here cool and tell me about it? Can someone else put some effort into me the same way I put effort into others? Like, man JUST ONE WIN COME ON (hehe title drop).

I'm definitely laying down flat on my face right now, metaphorically. But eventually I'll get to very slowly walking again; cursing at every step but still somewhat moving forward. I remember seeing some quote in a reddit comment (REDDIT NATION!! RISE UP!!! WE ARE REDDITORS AND WE ARE PROUD WE ARE REDDITORS AND WE ARE PROUD!!!!) that went something like "We do all this not because it's guaranteed to make us feel good, but because we'll definitely feel crappy if we don't" or something. It stuck with me for some reason, even though it sounds like some manosphere "greek statue tiktok edit" type saying. Idk, make of it what you will.