Alright I'm not gonna apologize for "not updating enough awww so sowwy" because who cares god damn. I'm still a lowkey hidden gem so I can't entirely relate to how it feels to have thousands of people watching you, but it's always irked me when I check out a personal journal-esque website and they write "sorry for the lack of updates" like shawty we strangers on the web you don't owe us nothing.

Though I will admit, I have been lacking in motivation for quite some time. Not really for developing this website, but for every other matter in my life. I've always subscribed to the belief of suboptimalism (honestly I would much rather have you read that article rather than this thought log). After seeing all the people around me grind and grind to still be unhappy in the end, and watching movies like Whiplash, I've learned that worldly ambition is just as worthless as no ambition. Heck, everything is worthless inherently. Wow wait I think I just invented a new school of thought… I'll call it nihi - wait that's stupid - I'll call it nothingmattersatallism!!!!

So here's where I'm supposed to say "wait if nothing objectively matters than I guess I get to choose what I personally care about in life. Thank you Alpine Camel!!!". And yeah, that's a factual statement. I've accepted the absurdity of the universe and plan on riding the waves rather than fight against them. But is it possible to take this too far? To the point where I'm kinda just completely apathetic to the idea of living in general? WAIT WAIT BEFORE YOU SPAM MY INBOX WITH SUICIDE PREVENTION HOTLINE NUMBERS JUST LET ME EXPLAIN!!!

As much as we want to pretend, humans are just animals. Our consciousness is entirely affected by our brain chemistry, and it's foolish to act as if I'm "above" my basic survival instincts. And if I was, then that would be a matter of chemicals working incorrectly. I obviously want to have a roof over my head. I want to eat some decent food. Maybe have a friend or two. And currently, these needs are what drive me to go to college! And get a job! And contribute to society!

But beyond that, well, I don't really care. I just have no inclination to "feed the beast" like suboptimal writes (yes that article was required reading go back and read it go read it bro gooooo). Don't care all too much about getting my dream job, or "finding my life's purpose" or whatever. Every single traditional metric of success sounds entirely unappealing to me. I only really want to bum around and make stuff like this website.

It's strange. I talk to my friends about their ambitions and can't really think much else but "Oh, cool". "I want to go into engineering to make the big bucks and have social status". Oh, cool. "Shrubs we NEED to looksmax and ascend. If I'm not sub 5% body fat by the end of the summer then I'll DIE!!!". Oh, cool. "I just need someone to hold me and tell me it's gonna be ok :(". Oh, cool. These guys can dedicate themselves so wholeheartedly to some ideal to the point that they actively despair when they can't achieve it, and this despair is what drives them. And I just don't feel this "all or nothing" desperation that they do. For me, anytime I try to deep dive into my motivations for doing anything, I'm reminded of how little it matters in the grand scheme of things. Leaving me with "I want to/it will be fun" as my only reasons for acting at all. And usually what I want to do rarely aligns with what I "should" do according to society.

I know it must sound pretty hypocritical to act as if I'm some apathetic badass loner who just does his own thing when most of this website is me complaining about how I try to make friends and fail miserably. But honestly, I think both can simultaneously be true. I'm such a cool apathetic loner that I only really try if I find someone interesting, but I don't try as hard as I probably should because at the end of the day, "it is what it is". Not to reference suboptimal AGAIN but he had an interesting point about how you have to "want it hard enough" (para. 5) when it comes to romantic relationships, and I think the same idea applies to my platonic ones. I do have a friend (believe it or not) who is probably the best I'm gonna get in terms of mutual understanding of each other. So I guess that's enough for me.

Ultimately, I think what I'm struggling with here is the balance between accepting your situation and striving for something better. Ambition and motivation is endless, you can always "be better" but never be the "best". So knowing that the tunnel of self-improvement spans infinitely, who's to say that my current position in the tunnel isn't the end? Especially since I don't have the all-consuming, ever approaching dread of "not achieving" pushing me forward. It's all the same anyway. I was brought into this world randomly and I'm going to leave it randomly, so why care? Not in a doomer way, but more like, I should just do what I like and try to live according to what matters to me first and foremost. Improve because I feel like it; not for the sake of improvement or because there's "beauty in the struggle".

Everything else I want to say about this topic is better said by suboptimal in his writings and uricksaladbar in this video, so I guess I'll end it off here. But I do want to post one 4chan greentext that encapsulates my feelings perfectly. I'm not joking. I sat down here for quite a while trying to think of what anime character or actual person embodied my ideas but this anon may literally be me.



It's perfect, man. There's no grand reasoning behind anon's choices that isn't "idk" or "it sounded smart and I thought I was smart from watching Rick and Morty". He tried things out, and it led him somewhere. An okay place. And that is fine. It's difficult to put this into words, but I think this greentext speaks to me because it shows that it doesn’t have to be complicated. That you don't need to dedicate yourself to some greater purpose to have a valid existence. It feels nice I guess.