trust me trust me this log isn't going to be me talking about how no one understands me and how lonely it is to be an artist and all the other stereotypical BS you'll see in a 14 year old's diary...

ok well I'm going to do that but IT'S DIFFERENT OKAY!!! I'M DIFFERENT!!!!!

For real though. I just came back from eating some food and I had this constant scowl at every group I saw. Group of friends laughing and having fun? Swallow a live grenade and SCREW OFF. Couple holding hands all lovey dovey like? I hope your hands get fused together via an acid attack and doctors have to amputate both your arms if you ever want to be independent again. aight I may be slightly overexaggerating for humors sake but you get the idea.

Then as an overthinker always does, I started thinking about why I even thought these thoughts in the first place. Like even if I had everything they had, would I be content? I feel like I've spent so much time by myself that I literally can't imagine any other way of living. But not in a negative sense, moreso that I've developed so many "coping mechanisms" for loneliness that have turned into my general purpose for living.

That's why this website exists. That's why I make videos. Art has always been a way for me to shout to the world that "I EXIST!!! THE THINGS I DO HAVE MEANING!!!". If no one else is around to acknowledge my physical being, then I'll always have a permanent mark on the world through the ways I express myself. And by posting it publicly, I may be able to influence a change in someone else's life, even if it's as simple as "huh, this website reminds me on how much I hate the color purple". It's the only way I can live a life alone and be somewhat content because art can provide value to even the smallest, most inconsequential things in life.

But whoo boy it feels that the further you retreat into art to escape loneliness, the more alone you become. I've been spending the majority of my days working on my next video. Which is great, haha yeah I'm creating more than I'm consuming awesome woohoo YEAH!!! But now, what can I talk about with others? Do I just rant on about MY videos and MY website that I only made for myself? Do I ramble on about technical blender jargon such as how I spent 30 minutes trying to figure out why I couldn't weight paint but then realized my vertex groups for the corresponding bones were locked? I exist entirely in my own world; how can I expect someone else to understand that?

I've been on the receiving end of this type of conversation. I was talking to this dude who just kept going ON and ON about his cool story for his cool meta video game and I really wanted to hear him out, I really did. I can relate 100% to wanting to share the cool ideas that you have with others. But dude I was just waiting for him to SHUT UP OH MY GODDDDD. And a big part of it was because outside of his yapfest, there was nothing PHYSICAL. No demo, no concept art, not even like a short story. It was just him projecting his mind onto me, which I'm never going to be able to fully comprehend because I'm. not. him.

Really goes to show why creating is so important. It forces you to give form to these intangible ideas and in the process, makes them relatable to others. Even if it's the most confusing thing ever, you still have to use the colors we all see, the techniques that've come before, and more stuff that exist in reality I can't think of more examples rn but you get the idea.

So it comes to the point where I can only talk about my ideas when I've finished my ideas, because I don't want to subject anyone to what I wrote above. Which is why I never really talk about what I'm doing at all. Makes me pretty boring, now that I think of it...

What's even worse, however, is being stuck in the middle of mediocrity. Like dude it's tragic how hard you have to work just to be "ok" at something. I've got 1,200 hours in blender and I have barely scratched the surface of everything I want to be able to do. I spent a solid 4 months trying to get better at drawing and I still can't even shade properly. Even this own website is being carried by my background, color, and font choices; the html is subpar.

I feel disconnected from the average person because I spend all my time doing, well, THIS, while they are like hanging out with friends and making memories and having a jolly good time. But I feel like I can't talk to other artists because they're so much MORE SKILLED THAN ME!!! Like oh my GOD I'm getting swept out here. I like my work don't get me wrong, but I'll be the first to admit it's not impressive technique-wise. Couple in the fact that every artist is kinda stuck in their own world as well, so unless we're working together, it'll just be a two way exchange of throwing bits of our brains at each other hoping that someone catches it in their mouth. which is never going to happen because that's gross ew eugh ewwww

What sucks even more is that I feel like I'm making a trade-off to some extent, where I'm sacrificing socialization for my deep and powerful art honhonhon. But then you see some people out here who make great stuff, who everyone adores, and also be doing cool things all the time. And all I can really say is "man". Sometimes I feel like I can stand equal to these guys; that they also can relate to the loneliness. But honestly I'm not sure. Like from the get go these guys were getting validated in some way through positive interaction or just having other things they could focus on if the whole art thing didn't work out, like relationships/life. While it took me a year to learn the basics of blender, another year to even get a comment on one of my videos, and another 6 months to actually feel like I have a chance to make an impact. And everytime I do try to "put myself out there!!" I get so unlucky it's not even funny. I need to write about all the failures I've experienced since my last life log omg (but I did win once!!! I finally did get a W)

Now I have to ask "why am I doing all this?". well because it's fun. that's it. I'm not going to pretend that I have crazy strong will power and I'm simply built different for lasting this long. I make stuff because it's fun, I'll continue to make stuff because it's fun, and if I stop, it's because it's no longer fun. Also only I can bring to life MY ideas in MY way. That's why I don't really get envious of other people's art. It's great to see THEIR culmination of experiences and techniques, but it isn't MINE. As long as your sword is true (or in this case, pen... or whatever artistic tool you use), your work will be just as valuable as the damn Mona Lisa because art is simply an expression of life. And you can't compare life because life is entirely SUBJECTIVE. What I value is different from what you value, what I find amazing you can find absolutely ass. Everyone in the world can absolutely despise your art, but you'll always find at least one person who doesn't. Whose to say their opinion is worth any less than everyone else's? It's only when you try to copy someone else where you can start saying one piece of art is "better" than another since you'll never be able to capture the same feeling.

As much as I feel that validation is all I want, I know that it isn't. Because when I finally got validation, through some nice emails and comments, I didn't really feel content. And based on the fact that even the most talented, creative people who are everything I'm trying to be still have their own issues despite the fame and recognition really goes to show that the contentment I'm searching for has to come from within. And hopefully art can help me find that internal peace...



Yeah I just finished reading Vagabond, how did you know? fr tho read vagabond that manga is actually life-changing oh my god.

But I have to wonder, would I still do all of this if I felt socially fulfilled? If I succeeded every time I tried to make a friend? Probably not, but if that was the case, I would no longer be "me". So it doesn't really matter, does it?

man I'm pissed off at how positive this log ended up being I feel all sappy and cringe god damn it. I STILL WANT A FRIEND!!! I ALSO WANT A STOIC, LOWKEY GIRL LIKE KIM PINES FROM SCOTT PILGRIM VS THE WORLD OR MAYBE DARIA FROM DARIA OR IDK AKIRA FROM CALL OF THE NIGHT BUT YKNOW IF SHE WASN'T A MIDDLE SCHOOLER THAT'S WEIRD ARGHHHHHH my email is open ladies haha.