So Lulz. Lulz. Luuuuuulllzzzzzzz. lulzlulzlulzlulz. man that is a weird name I wonder why her parents named her that...

My friendship with Lulz is weird. Yeah I may have dogged on her tastes pretty heavy last log but I really do rank her as mmmm top 10 friends. Sure I may only have uh 5 friends I regularly talk to but to join the echelon of people I can call "friend-I-regularly-talk-to" is an achievement only bestowed upon the most people of people. God it's late I don't know where I'm going with this.

Well, let me say this first and foremost. Recently I've had the opportunity to talk in depth with RAMMY (yes, RAMMY. literally what started these life logs) and another girl who I also find really cool. I uh kinda sent the girl a video I made about her and I sent Rammy...

this whole website

but that's a story for another day (though it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be). These two people were my holy grail, the folks I've always wanted to talk to. I thought that I would slowly stop talking to Lulz and I'll have friend-girls that I could actually hang out with IRL (when I'm in town, that is). But as much as I do enjoy talking to them, I realized that nah, Lulz is really the one girl I can probably get along with the best. And Monster Girl, if she were to RETURN MY DAMN TEXTS.

It's makes sense that I vibe with Lulz more because I've been talking to Lulz for a year and these guys for uh... way less than a year. But even back when I just met her, I actually saw her as, like, A FRIEND. Not just a cool person to talk to occasionally. If I'm able to call you randomly about nothing in particular without it feeling TOO awkward, then you're my friend :D.

And if you're my friend, then you know that never happens.

I think another thing that added on to my, I guess, "fondness" (eugh gross) of her was the fact that we live in the same state. Eh, I guess I'll finally dox myself. Who knows, maybe some cool dude who's just like me will read this, realize that they're nearby, and I'll have a brand new best friend. Or a psycho stalker... is it bad that both possibilities are equally as appealing to me? Anywho, I used to live in Arizona. My family moved to San Diego after high school ended, and I'm attending university in Texas. And that's all the personal information you're gonna get out of me make sure to enjoy it. It's kinda funny how I have like 30,000+ words all about myself but I don't think you can actually say too much about me, crazy...

So both me and Lulz live in Cali. But she lives in the bay area (ish) while I'm in SoCal, and since this bum state is so damn large, that's still like a 5 hour drive. But that's WAY closer than any other person I've met on the web (except for my white brother from another mother, markpdyson. W mans).

Now let me paint you a picture and you can tell me if I misread something. You have an online friend who, despite all the teasing, has admitted that she thinks you're "cool" and lowkey compliments you like a damn tsundere. She randomly says "oh you live like 5 hours away, hmm" and you two have spent time looking at each others areas on google maps. She hits the "You're the type of loser I would be comfortable around irl". Then, once again completely out of the blue, she tells you that shes going to be in YOUR area to visit her friend. She even tries to be nonchalant about it by acting as if she kinda forgot that you lived there knowing damn well she didn't since SHE brought it up. Of course you two joke around, saying BS like "oh god stay out of my territory" and "yeah I would NEVER want to see you. but me and gang will pull up to your front door anyway watch yourself". But then you remember that she acts like a damn tsundere and you can never tell what she's actually trying to say, so you cut through the aloof aura and indirectly say you're down to meet up. since she obviously will never ask.



You wait. You're actually kind of excited. Really excited, even. It's not as if you had anything planned for winter break. And this is the only friend you have in your bum state. Of course it's going to be awkward as hell so you don't actually intend on hanging out with her, but a simple 5 minute meet up will suffice. Frankly all you really want to see is the height difference between you and her just out of curiosity. You think it's gonna be something like this but who knows (comic will be added later)

You also are probably going to be teased by her friends because for some reason she talks about you sometimes. And has shown your videos to them. She also, supposedly, has a printed photo of you that she carries around, which is what she does with all her IRL friends. Actually, she saves all the photos and videos you send her...huh. That adds even more fuel to the fire. She was definitely waiting for me to make the first move! Yeah, YEAH THIS IS GONNA BE GREAT



wtf. seriously wtf

I instantly backed down because maybe I'm also a little bit of a tsundere. baka

but man I was so disappointed and honestly, kinda pissed. Like I thought LULZ wanted to meet up, but was just too cool and detached to say it outright!! Now once again I seem like a desperate loser who looks way too deep into other peoples actions. Talking about some "omg they VIEWED MY STORY! I should invite them to go to a concert even though the only relation I have to them is that we follow each other!!!". But you can see MY SIDE at least? I'm not crazy right?? I'M NOT FREAKING CRAZY, RIGHT?!?!?!?!

I called her yesterday outta boredom and asked if she already visited. She says that nah, she's coming THIS WEEKEND. Her reason behind saying no is that she doesn't like looking up at people, and since I'm a pretty tall guy, it's gonna be scawwy to see me IRL (she's like 5'2 she has to look up at everyone??). And I'm like "makes sense" (once again, spineless tsundere) and she says "makes sense..." like she was expecting more? I swear it sounds like I'm looking way too deep into this but we're never 100% serious in any of our conversations and this was no different. It feels that I have to straight up start begging which I'm obviously not going to do because I don't care THAT much, but ARRRGHHHH. It's like we're at a stalemate in the game of trying to be the "cool" one who only does anything because the other insisted.

Today (AKA SATURDAY. THE WEEKEND) she calls me to ask what my legal first name is. She's officially in town (I think? she never outright said it), hanging out at the mall, and was TALKING ABOUT ME WITH HER FRIENDS and had to prove that she wasn't being racist when she said my name (long story). I know it sounds like I'm a complete clown amongst her friends, and honestly wouldn't really be surprised if I was, teenagers are brutal (and just to clear the air because that line could be misinterpreted, I'm only a year older than her and also a teenager). But it doesn't really feel that way, like I think I'm just treated like one of her friends that has no ties to the friend group but you talk about anyway because gossip. Anyway she says that I should "walk down the street and pull up" then hangs up.

LIKE WTF THAT WAS LIKE 2 HOURS AGO. A couple weeks back we were having a "huh we live pretty close to each other isn't that crazy" conversation and I sent her the mall I'm right next to. Of course she can't actually be at that mall because her friend actually LIVES in San Diego, while I live in a suburb that's 30 minutes away. I just say San Diego because it's quicker but STILL.

It actually hurts my head man. THIS is what I mean when I say that she's confusing. Obviously no means no and I don't want to push it, but I have a feeling that she wants me to push it so she can be the nonchalant one. It sounds so stupid but trust me, it's so ambiguous. For christs sake we had a dick measuring contest over who misses each other's calls more often when I talked to her yesterday!!

Either I ask her again if she wants to meet up, she says no again, and I look/feel like a massive overthinking putz again. Or I just leave it at that, we never meet up, and like 2 months later she'll be like "man what if you saw me that one time you were literally right there hehe". okay after typing that out I would much rather say "oh well" than "what if" so I'm definitely going to ask again. But UGH it feels so CRINGE doing that. At least both you and me know that I'm doing this not because I'm so DESPERATE to see her, but because Lulz is sending incredibly mixed messages and I'm assuming that she's just too chicken to actually ask!! Yeah, mhm, exactly.

ok now I am writing this LIVE as the story develops. You are going to get my LIVE reaction to what happens next, with no introspection or reflection before I write it down!! Just sent the message now.



I know I'm so freaking corny but once again, we never are 100% serious with each other. and once again AGAIN I gotta emphasize how much I really don't care either way...

now we wait.

wuhuhuh she made a post 2 hours ago showing her at the mall. and this mall looks eerily similar to my mall... there's even a DAVE N BUSTERS. I WAS AT THE MALL'S DAVE N BUSTERS 4 DAYS AGO. ISTG IF SHE ACTUALLY WAS AT MY MALL I'M GONNA GRHRHRHR. I actually don't think that's my mall god I really don't know. message still left on "Sent"

SEEN. JUST CHANGED TO SEEN. she has a stupid business account so I can't see if she's typing...

and she sent a voice message. oh god moment of truth. chud or chad. chud or chad. I'm so freaking scared.

...huh. She said, and I quote "um, my mom says I can't meet strangers on the internet. She said that I'm going to get kidnapped. And then I'm going to get raped and tortured and then sold to the black market. So yeah". Lulz, ever so subtle. I can get behind that, though, stranger danger especially being a woman yeah 1000% valid.

God I'm such a dummy. I didn't even register that at first since I automatically assumed that I would just drive to wherever her and her friends were in a completely public place. How could I be so ignorant to the trials women go through god DAMN IT. I need to punish myself, 10,000 testicle lashes ASAP.

idk how I feel. Honestly I'm kinda feeling like a dumbass...

okay I'm sorry I did do a tiny bit of introspection sorry. I did actually want to see her, but not hang out with her because awkward. but after considering the whole stranger danger aspect I'm chill with not meeting up, I guess. idk not to sound like a big petty baby but I'm not sure if I even want to keep talking to Lulz. nah I'm just being petty I do want to talk to her. But I feel like I maxed out the friendship meter and the next step would be to meet up when given the opportunity. Actually, I thought about meeting up with my white brother from another mother, markpdyson (W mans) because he lives in the bay area and was going to use that as an excuse to meet up with Lulz, too. But guess not...

alright even more introspection. From here on out I am taking everything about Lulz at face value and never even THINKING of looking deeper. She's literally the definition of a tease and usually I don't fall for the bait because I don't care, but then you have moments like these where I overthink and care way more than I should. As much as I claim to "go with the flow" and "if they're down then I'm down ig", there was a genuine desire to meet up on my end as much as I hate to admit. A big part on why I have a much more active presence on the web is so I can meet cool people in this increasingly isolating world, and I kinda hoped that these relationships could translate to real life. but then I realize that I'm a room-dwelling hermit so of course I would be much more open to pushing things further than people with uh active social lives and plenty of in-person interaction, which Lulz has...

also while I do think Lulz is kind of a tease and there were definitely some mixed messages, they were amplified by my own wants. She straight up did say "No" and I just jumped through a bunch of mental hoops to see something that wasn't there. Well, there was a silhouette of something ok I will die on that hill.

im just going to put this here because idk where else to put it. I know how it feels to be the gay best friend now. as a straight man. Lulz is an emo FREAK and cannot go one minute without telling me about her "escapades". this may be a little TMI but this is my anonymous website that no one cares about so I should be good. How TF can you take it up the ass and STILL be a virgin? I seriously can't tell if she just says stuff to say stuff or if they're genuine confessions. She once admitted that she puts up the "freaky gooner" facade but she doesn't actually get down and dirty, then I see her twitter feed and have a real hard time believing that. holy it's like how every word that comes from Invisigirl from Dispatch has some sort of sexual innuendo. It makes me all flustered so I just start laughing maniacally when she randomly mentions how she saw a dick in person for the first time at a friendsgiving. idk if I'm going to keep this in but I got NO ONE to say this to.

Can't tell if she's actually some hypersexual nympho or a turbovirgin masquerading as a hypersexual nympho. as a man who gets NO PLAY it just makes me feel all uh "hot and bothered". like I don't mind enough to set a boundary but I also kinda feel ashamed for seeing my friend in that way. But at the same time it's not the worst thing ever... I'm such a loser oh my god. We can talk about this stuff and there's literally no sexual tension when we do so, which is also pretty weird. So that must mean I am the gayest of male best friends god damn it. freaking tease istg