Brooo broooooo bro I'M SORRY RED!!! I HOPE YOU DON'T READ THIS UNTIL WAY LATER BUT I'M SO FREAKING SORRY BRROOOOOO. Holy I may have to hit the doomsday button and move this entire website depending on how things go. Literally shaking right now.

So you know how I mentioned earlier that I showed Rammy this website, right? Yeah that's where this all may or may not have started actually I don't know the severity of the situation yet so there is a high possibility that I'm stressing for no reason (bro it took me 6 extra seconds to type that out my hands shaking too much brooo).

Yes yes I know what you're thinking "dude do you want me to give you a shoulder rub and some san pelligrino to calm you down" and nah man san pellegrino tastses like stale TV static. And you may also be thinking "wait why did you show them" or something idk. To answer that second question we got to go all the way back to the end of last year.

I sorta described my predicament during the last couple weeks of the semester here but as a quick reminder, I was bored as hell. Couldn't work on the next video because I knew I wasn't going to get it done before winter break. I had no classes because finals and all that. No one to really talk to because I'm, heh, kind of a loner. I would literally just wake up, eat chick fi la, go home, and daydream. You know what they say; a man with nothing to lose is a dangerous man. And I was a pretty dangerous man at the time, I'll tell you what.

I wanted SOMETHING to break this cycle of monotony. Didn't care whether it was "good" or "bad"; it just had to be different. So… I sent this video to the girl I made it about. Did not expect for a SECOND anything positive was going to come from this choice. I thought she was going to be like "oh… interesting haha…" and it was going to be all awkward and then I'll cope by writing about it here. Well, I can't say I expected that actually, I kinda went into this not expecting anything at all. If I got instagram user'd, then that's all good. If she absolutely loved it, then that's all good, too. Once again, all I wanted was something to happen because I was bored.

Anywho she actually REALLY LIKED IT. Like holy call me a donut the way I was getting glazed. She sent it to her friends and they also REALLY LIKED IT. It was crazy man. I was always afraid to show other people my work because I never really saw it as "good enough" to be shared. Like I make these videos for myself and myself only because it's fun, and I didn't want to show it to someone else with the expectation that they have to like it as much as I do. Obviously I'm going to care way more about something I spent 3 weeks working on than someone who just stumbled upon it. Also this video in particular involved someone I actually knew IRL so I thought it would be weird.

While ultimately you should make art for yourself first and foremost, this interaction showed me that "wait, I'm not burdening other people by showing them stuff I made!" Most people actually appreciate seeing something that you earnestly created because you thought it would be cool/funny. Well, I know that I do at least. That's why it's really hard for me to "critique" art because as long as you had fun making it then obviously I'm going to like it, especially in this consumer ass world where most "hobbies" default to "I like watching/playing/reading [blank]". There's nothing wrong with that, of course, because it's fun to watch movies and anime and shows and play video games and read manga and books, but you gotta output something from all of that input. Not in a productive sense, but just as another form of having fun. I cannot overemphasize how COOL it is to create things, man, and if you're willing to go through the effort to actually do SOMETHING, no matter how "bad"* or "small" it is, you have my upmost respect.

*a quick aside, I truly don't believe art can be "bad"; it can only be "unconventional". I'll write about it one of these days because I really love talking about art and creativity.

That was a rant. Anyway, she liked the video, we get to talking, I find out that I indirectly led to her and her boyfriend breaking up by giving her that drawing, we play rivals together, and we end up hanging out during winter break :D.

So after such a SPLENDID outcome (not including the hangout, since that happened after all this), I get a lil overconfident. Just a tiny bit. Yknow maybe I really am God's gift to earth hehe. Also I was surprised on how my actions had such a big impact on someone else's life. Like I kinda thought I was in some purgatory vacuum where no matter what I did, no one would really care. Which was liberating but also kinda sad. Like sure, I can act however I want because "who cares!" but when I wanted to form deeper connections with those around me, I was SOL. Literally just look at all the prior entries where I try to make friends like bro sometimes it feels that I'm invisible out here. But knowing that giving a girl a drawing and making a video about it actually LED to something (one of which being a uh bad thing but a thing nonetheless), it was actually kind of nice. Like I'm not going to become some supervillain ruining people's lives because "it was nice to make a difference!" but yknow what I mean. Art can connect people, or whatever…

It got me thinking about all the people that influenced me and naturally Rammy was the first to come to mind. I've always wanted to make a website but I could never find the motivation. Rammy indirectly gave me that motivation, since I really wanted to rant about that whole situation but had no one to really say it too as they were either involved in some way or didn't care at all. Really, I wanted to show them that they had an effect on me and led to me making something that's a pretty big part of my life now. Also I don't live in AZ anymore LOL my life is literally unaffected no matter what happens LMAO. So yes, your honor, that's why I sent them the website.

…

100 years in the eternal torture chamber, huh? yeah ok that's valid actually

Ok ok I will say, it wasn't that bad initially! Rammy said I was good at writing (heh tell me something I don't know). We talked about things and stuff and yeah it was nice!! We both found each other chill as hell and we're both real similar in how we can end up being "accidentally unsocial". woaw what a good and happy ending life is so gre WRONG BRUH.

I know I said I didn't want to show Rammy the website because I didn't want to force my thoughts on them, but that's not the main reason. I didn't want to show them the website because I kindaaaa did Red dirty in these logs for the sake of comedy. May have portrayed him as a horndog because it made for funny jokes/comics...

Ok man the visual of someone wearing a niqab (the literal pinnacle of sexual modesty) and Red still finding them bad is FUNNY I DON'T CARE WHAT ANYONE SAYS. I will admit, Red can be pretty down bad at times, but he's not any worse than most dudes out here. The amount of BS I've heard guys say about women under the guise of "bro talk" is crazy. The worst Red would really do is just clown on Rammy's ex, Scott, and showed me their tiktok once when we were hanging out. Now that I think of it, yeah he really didn't say anything that perverted like at all. It was more annoying how he would be talking about his "game" even though he had NO CHANCE bro prayer emoji skull emoji skull emoji.

I made sure to give Rammy a heavy disclaimer that these logs aren't actually supposed to be 100% accurate and I exaggerated some things concerning Red because I thought it would be funny. Because at the end of the day, for better and for worse, Red is probably my closest friend, and I didn't want to screw him over. Especially since he's pretty infamous and for everyone who finds him cool, there's someone else who finds him annoying.

Rammy made some comments on how they didn't realize how "perverted" Red was, I instantly came in saying that it was kind of overblown and he's locked in now, and I thought that would be the end of it. Honest!

Then yesterday Mink called me. He was hanging out with some other friends who, uh, don't like Red all too much. Apparently they SOMEHOW heard about this website from ANOTHER friend who's friends with Rammy. Or maybe it was from that friend's girlfriend IDK man. I don't even know that dude broooo. Now I completely expected this and didn't care all too much, because once again my life is completely unaffected by other people's thoughts of me. Mink knew about my website already, and wanted to tell me how the guys he were hanging out with thought me and Red were creeps who saw Rammy as a "cum dumpster". I was real confused at first but then I remembered the baby batter line from the first entry and it all clicked. LIKE BRO, I JUST THOUGHT IT WAS A CLEVER ONE OFF JOKE T-T LIKE YKNOW BATTER GOES IN OVENS AND IT GETS COOKED GOD DAMN. That was back when I was trying a lot harder to be "high brow" and spent too much time trying to overcomplicate jokes so they could sound "smart". But GOD I'M SUCH AN IDIOT. Who would've thought that people would look way deeper into stupid jokes when the jokes themselves sound really weird. Now Mink defended me, but he didn't defend RED. Once again I do not care how people SEE ME, especially as a consequence of my decision to send Rammy the website, but I don't want other people to get roped into my BS. Least of all Red, who already thinks that everyone is out to get him.

By my count there's at most 4 people who know about this website, maybe more. Naturally, everyone is going to forget in like a single day because they have better things to worry about. They've probably already forgotten, in fact. So I'm just going to sit back and observe. However, I saw Rammy's insta note today and it said "'omg you're an alt girl' just say you're a chud…" which reminded me of all this.

I feel like spongebob when he stole a balloon on free balloon day. EVERYONE'S OUT TO GET ME MAN. EVERYONE IS OUT TO FREAKING GET ME, MAN. I got to lay low for a bit (AKA not do anything, because I'm incredibly disconnected from all this) and hope to GOD that this has not affected Red in any way shape or form.

God these mfs are vultures man. Though I hope they found all my new changes to the website cool…

Also I'm not shaking anymore. Guess writing really is a good stress relief.