dude. I'm going to be real with you. I am in my feelings rn. like I got heartaches by the number man. went to the back of 7/11 to buy some you know what and I'm chugging it by the ounce man. got a whole gallon of it, too. I'm actually very refreshed and hydrated this is way better than drinking it from the sink. it's going to be a looooong night man.

I try to keep a sorta pragmatic optimism on this site so I guess I'll start with the good news. I actually made a pretty cool friend. So yes, to anyone whose read all these logs and thought "man, if Shrubs couldn't even make friends with all his confidence and swagger than what chance do I have" stop thinking that RIGHT NOW. APPROACH PEOPLE!!! EMBARASS YOURSELF!! YOU'RE NOT CRAZY FOR TALKING TO PEOPLE FOR NO REASON!!! I know we live in the most antisocial time ever where you're seen as a lunatic for having the audacity to... approach people who seem cool, but trust me man, that's the best way to do it. Don't even think that you're "annoying" them or wasting their time. Most people are chill and if they're not up for conversation, then it's their responsibility to tell you that. You gonna feel like a fool and that's GREAT!! Because then you'll realize that literally nothing changed and you have nothing to lose. Just move on to the next one and keep on trucking.

I literally saw this dude in my macroeconomics class with a green jacket, vans, and a thinkpad. His jacket reminded me of some ancient jade that some Chinese dynasty furnished their palaces with, which I found sick. And I ALSO wear vans (sk8 hi, because I'm not a freaking poser) and use a Thinkpad (that runs Linux did I mention I use linux now haha it's no big deal though). So after class I psyched myself up, caught up with him, and bellowed with all my might:

"ay dude in the green jacket. that's a cool jacket. I mess with the fit"

AND GUESS WHAT!! HE JUST kept walking as if he didn't hear me. I'm not sure what an ego death is but I think that's the closest I'll get to experiencing one. But I decided to repeat what I said but louder. Still nothing. I said it one more time and nearly started waving my hands in his face but he finally responded.

"you talking to me? oh my bad man I got hearing aids"

you literally never know what someone else is thinking mannn if I just assumed he wasn't trying to talk then I would've missed out on this interaction completely. We talk for a bit, laugh about some BS, and then bro tells me he's about to head to the esports center and asks if I want to tag along. and yeah man we just chilled and talked about Dark Souls and Sekiro and I watched him play some games because HOLLLLY IT'S SO ANNOYING TO SIGN INTO EVERYTHING ON A NEW PC.

now we just hang out for a bit after macro and play Overwatch together on Fridays. He's cool as hell, man. It's the perfect dynamic. I'm much more of a listener/responder (surprising, I know) while he's more of a talker. And we both play games, which is like the best excuse to hang out with someone outside of class. He's double majoring and an esports demon though so I can't hit him up all the time but hey man I'll take what I can get.

onto the pain. GOD THE PAIN. "I'm losing niggas by the DAY TO DAY. every DAY I PRAY. ONLY GOD CAN TAKE THIS PAIN AWAYYYY" god DAMN man I didn't know I was capable of feeling this.

Monster Girl. She actually did end up messaging me back during winter break. She said that she keeps her phone "sterile" which I got no idea what the HELL that means. then she asks me how my break was!! I tell her about the stuff at the beginning of this log, return the question, and she... doesn't respond. Like at all. wtf

Then school started up again, I head over to my main study spot, and I SWEAR I saw her through the window, sitting at my EXACT SPOT. We've even met up at said study spot before. Back then she went up TO ME and asked what's up. the freaking memories man. they freaking hurt man...

I walk in and I uh had to use the bathroom. Then when I come back she's gone mannnnn I SHOULD'VE TALKED TO HER GOD DAMN IT. 2 weeks later (the snowstorm closed down school for a week), I sacrifice all my aura and hit the DOUBLE TEXT asking if she was trying to hang out. Yknow, when they haven't responded to your last text so when you send another one it feels all clingy and desperate ugh. And left on delivered. Man.

I sorta forgot about it since I've been working on the vid and I've been hanging with my new bro but dude it finally just hit me all at once today. Like, the futility of the situation hurts. Unless I run into her by complete chance, I can't actually talk to her at all. And that SUCKS MAN. I gotta be realistic, I only talked to her for a combined... 3 hours but mannnn she was SOOOO COOOOL. I was actually staring in a mirror when I talked to her. We both mess with New England architecture, we're both pretty lowkey individuals who don't really care for excessive social interaction, she even wanted to be an EMT!! I WANTED TO BE AN EMT FOR A BIT!!! We had similar upbringings as well. god I thought writing this would make me feel better but now I'm even sadder oh my lord. I know I know it sounds like I'm pulling at straws "omg we both BREATHE AIR AND DRINK WATER SHE'S LITERALLY ME" but dude I swear the vibes were immaculate. she was telling me about how she wanted to get a sensory deprivation tank because she likes the feeling of the abyss which was just. man. so freaking cool. I get it now I know why I feel so morose.

she was also well connected, too. even while walking she was saying hi to folks. and as an out of state student it's a good idea to know someone who knows people. man I don't even know I'm so freaking blue

I think why this is getting to me is because of how sudden it was. It doesn't seem that she's purposefully skirting me. I try to assume the best with people, especially when it comes to texting, but it genuinely seemed (and honestly, still seems, even if that's complete cope) that she wasn't responding because she either didn't see the message or forgot to respond to the notification. But maybe that's entirely cope

I always adopt the "people don't owe you anything, don't take it personal, just keep on walking" but god it's really hard to hit that right now. I'll get over it, eventually. But man, she would've been a real good friend to have. I feel like there was so much more we could've talked about. Like it's not often where I'm able to escape the necessary-but-still-ear-grating small talk about our majors and classes. We were talking about Freud and penis envy and sensory deprivation tanks and almost dying in car crashes and anime like man I can only imagine what more we could've conversed about...

it's whatever, man. Maybe I'll send her one last message. nah. maybe. nah. idk